What could we change?
When behaviour becomes difficult, our attention usually goes straight to the child. How do we get them to listen, join in or stop doing that?
We’re often slower to ask what we could change ourselves. Yet our own response can be one of the most powerful things available to us: our tone, timing, expectations and willingness to listen.
I recognise how easily we can get stuck. We repeat an instruction, a little louder or more firmly, hoping for a different result. We start worrying about what the other children will think, whether we’re being consistent, or whether we’re letting something go that we shouldn’t.
Meanwhile, the child is finding it harder, and so are we.
“What could I change here?” can open up a different way forward. Could I say less? Give them time? Speak privately? Does this need to happen right now?
I’m especially drawn to getting to know children who haven’t always been understood. The child who keeps leaving the room, refuses something they enjoyed yesterday, or turns a simple request into a lengthy negotiation. I find myself wondering: what are we missing?
It’s easy to describe what we see. “He won’t join in.” “She keeps interrupting.” Understanding what sits behind it takes more curiosity.
Perhaps the work feels impossible and refusing is less exposing than getting it wrong. Perhaps the room is too noisy, something feels unfair, or the child needs more time. The same behaviour can have different explanations, even for the same child on different days.
“What might this child be telling us?” is a useful question, provided we don’t assume we already know. Behaviour isn’t always a deliberate message, and children may struggle to explain what happened.
We can notice what happens beforehand, ask families what they recognise and pay attention to when things go well. What changes with a different adult, a quieter space or a little more time? When the child is ready, we can listen to their perspective too.
Sometimes we need to act quickly to keep everyone safe. Later, we can reconnect, support the child to put things right and think about what might help next time.
Adults need support with this too. Leaders can give staff time to talk honestly about difficult moments, question their first interpretation and try something different. It’s much easier to reflect when we feel supported rather than judged.
We won’t get every response right. But being willing to change our own approach gives us somewhere useful to begin.
I offer staff training and school-based coaching to help teams understand behaviour and develop practical responses together. Get in touch for a free 15-minute chat about what would help your school.